The Dark Side

So, once again I found myself watching one of my favorite movies from childhood, and midway through the movie, I realized that in all reality, the movie is a piece of crap.  This got me wondering: how many movies did I see growing up that I loved, but if I went back and saw them today, I would hate?  The answer: more than I would like to admit.  So for your pleasure, after much research, and thought, I have compiled a list of what I think are the top five movies that were great as a kid, but absolutely torture to watch as an adult.

5  Flight of the Navigator

Now here was a movie which had it all: spaceships, time travel, the voice of Paul Rubens (AKA Pee-Wee Herman), and let’s not forget Sara Jessica Parker as a sympathetic candy striper with a heart of gold.  Some of us remember this movie about a kid who falls down a ditch and wakes up in the future with no idea how he arrived there.  Later we find out that an alien spacecraft (voiced by Paul Rubens) had picked him up and taken him there.  Eventually the kid escapes from NASA gets back on the ship, rides around for a bit, and then is taken back to his own time no worse for the wear.

My main problem with this film is the acting.  The kid is horrible.  Now, he’s not Jake Lloyd in Episode I bad, but its pretty close.  Not to mention that the explanation of time travel is not what we call scientifically sound.  The only redeemable facet of this movie is Paul Rubens’s vocal work as the A.I. of the ship.  Otherwise I would simply just remember this movie rather than watch it again.

4  Explorers

Here was a movie that I simply loved as a child.  I wanted to build my own spaceship out of a tilt-a-whirl.  I wanted to go into space and meet friendly alien children.  But then I grew up, and apparently, so did my taste in movies.  I had not seen this movie in about ten years, when I saw it in the store a couple of months ago.  I couldn’t believe my luck; finally I would get to watch this jewel of the cinema again.  Boy, can my memory play tricks on me!  First off the “science” used in the movie is sketchy at best.  Let me get this straight: Ethan Hawke dreams up an equation/ CPU motherboard (tough to tell with the graphics of the time) and then River Phoenix (his scientist friend) discovers that the equation makes a bubble that he can control with his keyboard?  Then they build a spaceship with a tilt-a-whirl and some wood (during a musical montage), fly it out to space (never experiencing weightlessness), and meet up with some young aliens who happen to breathe the exact same mixture of elements as we do.  Don’t worry though, through his experience in space, River Phoenix learns to get the girl of his desires.  It worked when I was young, but come on, this makes Armageddon look like 2001.

3 Masters of the Universe

Remember that 80’s TV show that was made simply to sell action figures?  Well, this was the awful movie of that TV show.  Now, most of us look back at the show He-man with fond memories.  Let me be the first to tell you that those memories are misleading.   The show was quite awful, animation-wise, story-wise, and Orco-wise.  So when they decided to make a movie of the television show, there was no way that it could have gone well.  It went worse.  Maybe it was the “cosmic key” idea that screwed the whole thing up.  Maybe it was the fact that the earthling mistook that key for a Japanese synthesizer.  Or it just could been the fact that it was taken from a second rate show, using second rate actors (excluding Courtney Cox, yes, she was in it.)  Either way, not quite as good of a movie as you might remember.

2  The NeverEnding Story

We’ve come to what might be the most controversial entry in this post.  The NeverEnding Story is a movie which is beloved by many of my generation. It is the story of a young man, who unknowingly becomes part of a story that he is reading. During the story we are introduced to a fast snail, a rock monster, the princess who has not been named, Atreyu and of course a Dog dragon.   Now, when I was a kid this movie was amazing, I kept reading different books hoping that I too could play a part in their story, but it didn’t happen.

Just like every other movie on this list I had fond memories of this film, until I took a look at it a couple of months ago.  Now the number one gripe that I have about this movie is that it is really weird.  Yes, I know some of you may be thinking “Why not Labyrinth then?” Well, in my humble opinion, Labyrinth’s strangeness fit that story better.  This movie made me slightly uncomfortable.  Furthermore, nothing really happens in the first thirty minutes of the movie (besides weirdness; if you don’t believe me, just watch the talking snail).

The last problem that I have with this movie is that the ending sucks.  The whole planet gets reduced to the size of a piece of gravel, and the kid has to make wishes to make it bigger?  Really?  Then all of a sudden, he’s back flying on his dog dragon, and it’s like the events of the whole movie never happened.   Which is great… if I’m nine.

1    The Wizard

When I was a kid and I first saw the ad for the Wizard, I freaked out.  Not only was there a movie in which the “power glove” would be featured, but they would also be unveiling the legendary Super Mario Brothers 3.  So naturally, me and a few friends went to see the movie, and we loved it! I started training, so that I could compete against Lucas in the Video Game Showdown.  In fact, that was when I first developed my crush on Jenny Lewis.

A couple of months ago, I sat down to watch this movie again.  What was I thinking when I was a kid?  Not only is the movie poorly written, acted, and directed, but it is an hour and a half long advertisement for Nintendo and Universal; literally scene after scene is littered with product placement. I bought the power glove because of this movie, and let me tell you, it did not do what it did in the movie.  But I digress; when we were children, we were constantly bombarded with subliminal advertising (i.e He-man, G.I. Joe), and there was no bigger offender than The Wizard.

Now I understand that within our society, it is generally unacceptable for a man to cry…especially in movies.  But there are those times within the movie theatre or at home watching a video, when it may be perfectly acceptable for a man to shed a few tears (without being subject to ridicule by friends and family alike).  But what are the criteria in order for this rare sight of nature to occur and be accepted?   What must be present for a man to be able to cry at the right moment?  And furthermore, what movies are acceptable for men to cry in then?

Well, fear not men of the world.  No longer will you be forced to wonder: Can I cry?  Will I be made fun of?  Here it is: both the criterion and some of the acceptable man-cry movies.

Lets begin; the first rule is that the movie is about war.  Nothing is manlier than a soldier giving up his life than attempting to bring freedom to a far off land, or to save his platoon.  So gentlemen, feel free to shed a tear in Saving Private Ryan.  Feel liberated to choke up during Black Hawk Down, and please don’t hesitate to sniffle at Gladiator (its warlike, right?)

In the second type of movie, a dog dies.  Doesn’t matter the reason, whether he gets hit by a car, shot, killed by a cougar protecting his or her master, or has to be suffocated because he is about to turn into an undead creature.  Any movie where a dog dies is safe to cry in.  Now, I would put movies in this category, but I don’t want to ruin the endings of any of them.  Let’s just say one involves and actor with a famously crooked nose.

The third type of movie is any movie in which a father and son reconcile, strengthen a relationship or meet for the first time.  This criterion actually covers your tears for a couple of different reasons.  Any birth is cryable, as is any great father-son type moment.  Offenders in this category include: My Life, Field of Dreams, and Armageddon (I know, I know).

And the final type of male tear-jerker: the sports film.  What better reason to choke up, than watching the kid who never got a chance to score the winning touchdown, or hit a home-run?  Now part of the reason for this phenomenon is that most men can identify with wanting to be in that game winning situation, but I digress.  Notable man-cry sports movies include Rudy, The Natural, and of course The Replacements (Can’t believe I actually just wrote that)

So Gentlemen, be free, knowing that now you can turn to your friends with tears in eyes and say: “No, you shut up!  My response is perfectly appropriate because of the following rule (fill in with appropriate rule).

* Keep in mind that your friends may have not read this post, if they have not I urge to direct them to this blog, otherwise you may be subject to many terms that you are not comfortable with as a man.

I was recently watching Live Free or Die Hard, when something occurred to me.  I love action movies that are unrealistic.  Why?  Because I don’t go to the movies to be reminded of reality, I go to escape it.  I go to see things done that could never be even attempted in real life.  That’s what makes it fun.  This is why I love movies like Armageddon, or any eighties action flick.  They suspend reality for a couple of hours, and for that time we may actually believe that the good guys can win, that a fire hydrant can knock a man out of a helicopter, or even that on a remote asteroid, Ben Affleck can survive a space shuttle crash, find a working vehicle, and with no real radar equipment whatsoever find another spacecraft, get there in time, and save the world.  What does it matter that this can’t happen in real life?  Looking at the way the world is today, do we really need to be reminded of all the suffering when we go out to have a good time?

So I say this, bring back the action movies of the eighties and early nineties.  Bring back everything unrealistic as long as the good guys win.  Rocky Balboa, great.  More Rambo movies, bring em’ on.  And while you’re at it, bring back movies like No Retreat, No Surrender, Bloodsport, Death Wish, The Monster Sqaud, and every other movie, where I could walk in, sit down, and get lost in a world where heroes could actually do things wildly heroic and impossible.  Because sometimes I don’t want to be reminded of the real world where the good people don’t always win, and people don’t get rescued in the nick of time. So I guess all that there is left to say is “Yippie Kay Yea!”

I was watching one of the Spider-man movies recently, and a simple thought occurred to me.  Spider-man isn’t really an effective superhero.  Now, I know some of you out there are thinking “What are you talking about?” he’s got super powers: Spidey strength, that web action (which we have to remember is man-made in the comics), and of course the legendary Spidey sense.  While all this is true, Spider-man is still only an effective hero because of his location at any given moment.

Picture this: Spider-man goes on vacation to rural Nebraska; he of course brings his Spidey suit because shit might go down.  So on his third day in Nebraska, someone robs a bank.  Spidey wants to help, but here’s the kicker: how does he get there?  He’s got no bloody buildings to swing on, what’s he going to use corn?  Is he going to start jogging there?  Then what does he do if the robbers have a car?  Sure, he can shoot his web after the car, providing the getaway driver is driving in a straight line, but what if he misses?

Here’s the bottom line: Spider-man can only be effective if he is in a big city and can be mobile.  And unlike Bruce Wayne, who can pay for things to help him overcome his shortcomings, Peter Parker is basically broke, so no Spideymobile for him.

To be an effective superhero, you have to have a major mode of transportation; therefore Spider-man is only a superhero in New York, Chicago, or any other city with tall buildings.  Anyplace else he’s a jogger in a really cool suit.